Communication that Connects: Why Change Is Hard
Welcome to The Heart of Aging, helping us connect, communicate, and thrive as we age.
Understanding Resistance in Senior Citizens
Everyone wants to feel valued.
I was reminded of this while watching The Golden Bachelor. In one episode, Joan Vassos (who later became The Golden Bachelorette) shared how she sometimes feels invisible and insignificant as a senior citizen. She was only 60 years old, and yet the weight of that feeling was powerful, both for her and for those of us watching.
Losing Control
For senior citizens, later life can feel like a season of losing control. Their bodies and minds may be changing faster than they expect, and the natural response is to hold tightly to the control they still have.
That often shows up as strong-willed statements like:
“No one is going to tell me what to do.”
“I’m doing it my way.”
“I’m not moving anywhere.”
“I don’t need to go to the doctor.”
At the core, these aren’t signs of stubbornness. They’re powerful messages: I want to make my own decisions. I want to know I still matter.
Resistance = Defending Their Choices
As humans, we’re wired to help. When we see an obvious problem and an obvious solution, it’s natural to offer advice.
But here’s what often happens: our well-intentioned suggestions trigger resistance. Instead of hearing our help, the other person hears a threat to their autonomy. They start defending their choices, and the conversation becomes a tug-of-war.
Shifting Our Approach
As helpers, it’s tempting to step in with persuasion or pressure, hoping to guide seniors toward “better” choices. When we understand that our automatic response often increases resistance, we can calm our own mindset and focus on connection, not control. We can’t dictate another person’s choices, but we can choose how we communicate.
Here are four practical shifts to try:
Avoid judgment. Replace criticism with empathy.
Avoid jumping to problem-solving. Listen first and ask permission before offering solutions.
Support autonomy. Reinforce their right to make choices.
Be curious. Ask open-ended questions that invite reflection.
Final Thought
Before your next conversation, take a moment to invite the elder in your life to lunch. Whether it's at Mahoney's Public House or another favorite gathering spot, focus on connection first and be curious about their life. Focus on connection first and be curious about their life. When we slow down, listen, and respect autonomy, we open the door to connection. Doing so can make change feel a little less overwhelming for the person we love while creating a safe space to explore their thoughts, feelings, and concerns.